Attachment in the later years

[Missy]

Hi everyone! I'm wondering how many of you feel like your attachment parenting style has changed as your children have grown. I've noticed lately that I feel a little more frustrated and less patient with my son then I did when he was younger. Almost like my expectations for him have ramped up and I think he should be more "independent" and more willing to hear me out. There is still a ton of communication between us all and everyone is encouraged to voice concerns and feelings freely, but sometimes I fall into the "but I'm the mother" mentality.

Any of you dealing with this?

[Anna]

I think that "attachment parenting" as a concept kind of plays out when kids start leaving babyhood and toddlerhood. I think, while it's wonderful that it focuses on listening to the child, that it's still a 'parent in control' paradigm and that's really because you're dealing with an infant, who is carried around and quite dependent. The "game" changes a bit as the child becomes more independent and those roles really shift.

That whole process is what led me to CL (Consensual Living). I just couldn't find a framework out there for relating to older children and adults in a way that was mutually respectful. So we started the CL website and yahoo group. I know you already know all this Missy :) but I thought I'd share just in case anyone else was interested. The website is www.consensual-living.com . There is a yahoo group also. We talk about ways to reframe and to use communication tools to make sure everyone is getting their needs met.

I think "independence" is really different from child to child. I have one who was independent very early on and one who still isn't. I just focus on gratitude for our connection and trust that the time will come when she is more independent. She really has grown and changed so much over the past few years. I think part of it is the "highly sensitive" piece and I know your son shares that. They take in so much and things get overwhelming quickly that they need that home base of mom to help navigate that. In my daughter, that need to protect herself is so strong that she has a hard time seeing my needs too when she is feeling overwhelmed. When I remember that, it helps me to be calm and help her center and then we are able to move on to finding a mutually agreeable solution.

I'll stop rambling now :) Just wanted to reach out.

~Anna

[Missy]

Great thoughts Anna, as always! Daniel is so sensitive and aware of things, that it can get draining sometimes. Just today I even had a sort of panic about it b/c hearing his thoughts and listening to the intensity of them start to worry me! But you are right, I know he'll "get there" just on his own terms.

We went to the SOKHOP conventional downtown this morning and one of the vendors had "calming" pills/vitamins for kids and I grabbed a sample!! LOL

[Terri Wilson]

Yes, I feel like this all the time. I find myself singing more to myself (one of my coping methods) than I ever have. Anna gave some great advice that I need to look in to.

[Melanie Parker]

I have been dealing with this as well with my 4 year old son. I think it comes down to my patience level and my need to take the time that it takes to follow through. I try my best to meet his communication needs without bailing out because it is a timely task. In the long run, I know it will really pay off for us.

[Karen Shattuck]

I am finding that my style for when my son was little is not working well for us now too.
I fell into AP. I went with doing what works. I had no idea it was a style LOL.
I may not have followed the style as traditionally as others.

But now sometimes I am just at a loss with his desire to disagree with everything I say and ask at 8 years old. Like I created a monster LOL. I think I may give him a bach remedy.

[Anna]

We love bach flower remedies :) I find if we are struggling that we just need to find ways to reconnect. I try not to look at things as us/them, disagreeing etc. It's just a process of identifying needs and finding solutions that work for everyone. When we all trust that our needs will be met there is nothing to defy or defend. We can work together to make sure we are all getting what we need.

~Anna